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Looking after yourself as a carer of someone with dementia

Caring for a person with dementia can be physically and mentally demanding, so it’s vital that you also look after yourself. Here’s how you can stay well, maintain healthy relationships, and get the support you need.

Why looking after yourself is important

Many people who have a family member with dementia find themselves in the role of full-time or part-time carer. And when you are looking after someone around the clock, you might find it difficult to think about your own needs, get enough rest, or take part in activities you enjoy.

But you may not be able to continue caring for the person with dementia if you neglect your health, or if you don’t have enough support or time to recharge your batteries. 

It’s a bit like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else during a flight emergency: by looking after yourself first, you’re more likely to have the strength to look after the person you care for.  

Taking care of your health and wellbeing

It’s important not to ignore your own health needs.  

Niggling pains or feelings of anxiety or depression, for example, might seem like the least of your worries.  

But if you are having physical or mental health symptoms, you should visit your GP so any illnesses or conditions can be properly diagnosed and treated. 

Other tips to keep you healthy include:  

  • keeping up with regular dentist, optician and hearing checks 
  • making time to be physically active – go for walks, play sports, swim, do yoga or join local exercise classes 
  • keeping your mind active – read books or the newspaper, do puzzles or crosswords
  • trying mindfulness: a stress reduction technique that involves developing our awareness and acceptance of what is happening in the moment, rather than ruminating on things that occurred in the past or worrying about what might happen in the future. You could try a mindfulness breathing exercise or just take five minutes to be mindful in whatever you are doing, eg going for a walk and focusing on the sights, sounds and smells around you; or having a shower and paying close attention to the sensations in the here and now

Enjoying time with the person you care for

As the person’s dementia progresses, you may find that your caring role overtakes your relationship with them as a spouse, family member or friend. But while your relationship will change, it can still bring you both enjoyment.  

Rather than focusing only on the care you have to provide, try to find activities that you can still do together to strengthen your connection.  

You could try: 

  • listening to music together 
  • watching a favourite film or musical 
  • going for a walk 
  • looking at pictures of places you have travelled to 
  • going through photos of the two of you together 
  • physical touch, such as a hand massage 

Looking after your other relationships

You may feel like you have no time to spend with other family members and friends, or that having a life outside of your caring responsibilities is unimportant or even selfish.  

However, it’s really important to ensure you stay in contact with friends and family.  

This can give you opportunities to talk to other people about what you’re going through and allow them to support you, as well as giving you vital time out to enjoy each other’s company.  

  • Let family members know what your caring responsibilities involve. Very often, other people don’t realise just how much you’re doing. Ask them to help – perhaps by sitting with the person with dementia once a week – so you can have a break 
  • If possible, divide the various caring tasks you have amongst the family – it may be useful to create a rota 
  • Schedule a visit from a friend, or a phone or video call, at a time when the person you’re caring for is asleep or at a day centre. Even a short conversation could lift your spirits 
  • Speak to your GP or Social Services about respite care, financial benefits and other services that are available to help you in your caring role. Registering as a carer with your GP surgery – which usually just involves filling in a simple form – means you’ll be entitled to a range of support 

Keeping up with your other relationships and activities that bring you pleasure means that when your caring responsibilities change or stop – for example, if the person with dementia goes into a care home and no longer needs as much care from you – you still have things to enjoy and people to spend time with.   

Relaxation strategies

Even when time feels limited, taking small moments for yourself can make a meaningful difference to your wellbeing. The following simple strategies may help reduce stress and promote calm.

Progressive muscle relaxation

This technique involves slowly tensing and then releasing different muscle groups to help the body relax, holding each tension for 5-10 seconds before relaxing. You can do this sitting, standing or lying down.

Start from your feet by curling your toes, then move through your calves, thighs, stomach and chest, pairing release with a deep breath. Continue with your hands, arms and shoulders, gently tensing and releasing. Finish by gently stretching and then relaxing your neck, and scrunching your facial muscles then relaxing. Finish with five slow, deep breaths.

The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique

This exercise brings your attention to the present moment using your senses, creating a sense of calm and clarity. Name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste.

Breathing exercises

Breathing techniques can be helpful during moments of stress or overwhelm.

  • Square breathing: inhale for four seconds, hold for four, exhale for four and pause for four. Repeat for around two minutes
  • 4-7-8 breathing: inhale for four seconds, hold for seven, then exhale for eight. Repeat up to four times. This is particularly helpful before sleep
  • Diaphragmatic breathing: place one hand on your chest and one on your stomach. Inhale and exhale deeply, noticing how your stomach rises and falls

Stretching

Incorporating gentle stretches throughout your day, such as neck tilts or shoulder rolls, can release tension. Pair each movement with slow, deep breathing.

Gratitude

Practising gratitude builds resilience, reduces levels of stress hormones and gives us something positive to focus on, even during challenging moments.

Take a moment to think about someone or something you’ve felt grateful for today or this week. Notice the positive feelings that arise. You could also keep a gratitude journal, writing down three things you’re grateful for each day.

Music

Listening to music can provide comfort and relaxation during stressful moments. Try creating a playlist of your favourite tracks or soothing sounds to listen to whenever you need a moment of calm.

Sources of support

For any questions or concerns about looking after yourself as a carer or any other aspect of dementia, you can contact our free Dementia Helpline on 0800 888 6678 (Monday-Friday 9am-9pm, Saturday-Sunday 9am-5pm, every day except 25th December), email helpline@dementiauk.org or you can pre-book a phone or video call at a time that suits you. 

Dementia UK resources 

Other resources

Book an appointment with an Admiral Nurse

Our virtual clinics give you the chance to discuss any questions or concerns with a dementia specialist Admiral Nurse by phone or video call, at a time that suits you.

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