Linda's story - "The Nationwide clinics are so accessible"

Mum was from a large family and had six siblings. She was raised in the Salvation Army and was a very moral person. She didn’t drink or smoke and knew right from wrong.  

Mum wasn’t very outgoing and always worried about what other people thought of her. My dad was the breadwinner; she spent her life raising me and my brother and worked part-time jobs to fit in around us.  

“Mum became housebound”

Following Covid, we started to notice some memory problems with Mum. But we put it down to isolation, and the cumulative effect of a few consecutive traumatic experiences over the last 15 years.  

My father left Mum out of the blue when she was nearly 70 years old. Three years prior, my brother had moved to South Africa, and I was living in the Scottish Borders, so she didn’t have any support close by. She became reclusive for a while, but she picked herself up and got on with her life, managing her house, shopping and finances. She joined a few groups and became very sociable.  

Sadly, my brother suddenly passed away from a heart attack in 2011 which had a huge impact on Mum. But around that time, she and my dad started talking again. They got back together and started living together again in 2017. We didn’t know at the time, but my father was dying from lung cancer. He passed away in 2018. Once again, Mum soldiered on.  

The Covid pandemic was the final straw for Mum. All her social groups stopped, and they haven’t restarted since. She became housebound because of her mental health and always found an excuse not to go out. Now she only leaves the house once a week to go shopping, with the help of a carer. 

“My life turned upside down”

I noticed a more marked decline in Mum’s cognitive abilities around April this year. She started to forget the names of household appliances, like the fridge. She also struggled to retain new information. I blamed it on the fact that she had become so isolated. But when I got a panicked phone call from her saying her bank card wouldn’t work, I knew something was more seriously wrong. She had entered the wrong PIN number three times, so her card was blocked. The PIN was my dad’s birthday, which should have been easy to remember. That set off alarm bells for me.  

The saddest thing for me was hearing her distress on the phone when she rang me to say she couldn’t remember when my birthday was.  

I persuaded Mum to go to the GP in July, and I went to the appointment with her. The doctor did a memory test, which suggested she had moderate dementia, and referred her to a specialist memory clinic. But by the time we left the clinic, Mum had forgotten everything about the appointment.  

“Emma, the Admiral Nurse, was a godsend”

I had suspected that Mum had dementia for a while, but I didn’t know what to expect or who to turn to for help, especially as I lived 200 miles away from her. My life turned upside down.  

That’s when I got in touch with Dementia UK and found out about the dementia specialist Admiral Nurse clinics that are being held in Nationwide branches. I booked an appointment at my closest branch in Sunderland.  

Emma, the Admiral Nurse, was an absolute godsend. She was so empathetic and understanding and managed to put everything into perspective for me. I had been pushing for an appointment at the memory clinic, constantly phoning and chasing it up. Emma could see that the stress of trying to secure the appointment was making me ill. She reminded me that getting the appointment sooner wouldn’t change how my Mum is now.  

I found myself getting frustrated with Mum when she didn’t understand things. Emma used a fantastic analogy where she compared Mum’s memory to a filing cabinet. She said the more recent memories are at the front of the cabinet, and past memories are towards the back. She said when there is a fire in the cabinet, the most recent memories are the first to go. This helped me to understand why Mum gets confused and that in her mind, she might be in a different part of her life. 

“Emma told me to live in Mum’s world”

I felt like I was really fighting against Mum and trying to make her do things in a different way. She used to love cooking from scratch, but all she eats now is fish and chips or sausages. Emma advised me to just go with it and to live in Mum’s world. If she is healthy and not losing weight, let her eat what she wants. If she is confused about something or gets something wrong, just agree with her. I realised I was just getting frustrated and making Mum upset unnecessarily. Emma’s advice has helped me to accept Mum as she is. 

After Mum’s diagnosis, I mentally jumped right into the future, thinking about finding a care home for her. Emma encouraged me to just take one day at a time and not react to things before they happen. At the moment, Mum is really independent. She can wash and dress herself and make herself something to eat. She isn’t ready to go into a care home, so it isn’t something that I need to worry about today. I know we have a long journey ahead, but am so grateful that the Admiral Nurses will be there to help me along the way.  

“The Nationwide clinics are so accessible”

I would encourage anyone affected by dementia to book a Nationwide clinic appointment and speak to an Admiral Nurse. We’ve all got lots of questions and need help and support. I prefer face-to-face support as I think you can express your emotions better and see empathy in a person’s face.  

The clinics are so accessible and feel a lot more relaxed than appointments in a medical setting; nobody would have known that I was walking into the bank to speak to a nurse.  

It’s reassuring to know I can book another appointment in the future if I need to, and that I can pick up the phone and call Dementia UK’s Helpline at any time or look at its website for hints and tips. Dementia UK and Admiral Nurses are truly invaluable resources.