Pete Watson's Story
Easing the pain of your loved one going into a care home
Just over a year ago my wife, at the age of 63, moved into a dementia care home in Berkshire. Overall, the experience has been very positive. She is looked after well, the care is generally very good and I’m always made welcome. But the emotional trauma of that process was as bad as dealing with the initial diagnosis – I had consigned the person I loved and had lived with for forty years to the care of someone else and to a life of who knows what?
Rightly, care homes put a lot of effort into making the transition as comfortable as possible for the person with dementia. But family carers need help too – guilt, loss, sadness, worry – all the negative emotions you can think of just well up at this time. There are ways in which the process can be made easier for the family carer and I’ll look at a couple of them here. For the uninitiated like me and many others making this difficult decision, a dementia care home is an alien place – locked doors, demented people, and you think it probably smells. It can be intimidating when you start to visit potential homes – these preconceived views combine with your emotionally delicate state to make it difficult to take in everything. So when the day comes, and you hand over the care of your loved-one to others, you are in need of reassurance yourself. That’s where what I call ‘the carer’s induction process’ needs to come in.
On that day, it would really help if a care worker spent time with the family carer before they leave; ideally someone who will work directly with the person with dementia, and on a comfy seat with a coffee, not across a desk. The objective should be to ease the conscience of the carer (the guilt can be terrible) and to assure them that their loved one will be well looked after. Mundane things like the home’s routine – getting up, washing, dressing, mealtimes, activities, names of the care workers involved, shift patterns, visiting arrangements, door entry codes, contact numbers – are important to us. The family carer should be encouraged to visit, take part in activities and where appropriate continue to help in the practical caring process. Care staff are always busy, but this is an important task, which should not be hurried. The carer should be encouraged to ask questions. Success can be measured by the carer leaving, comfortable in the knowledge that their loved one is in good hands and will be looked after well. A follow-up phone call that evening to assure the carer that all is well is also important.
Just because the carer is not looking after their loved-one 24 hours a day anymore, doesn’t mean to say that their high stress levels disappear – there are distinct parallels to what happens when a loved-one dies. Talking to others in a similar position can help enormously. A really positive approach is for the care home to arrange a ‘support group’ for family carers of their residents. It doesn’t have to be called a support group (which will put some people off), it can be a carer’s group or club, or a dementia cafe, or given any number of other titles. It needs some sensitive advertising, then all that’s needed is a bit of space (the dining room?), some refreshments, and initially at least someone with a bit of experience of managing meetings to facilitate the sessions (this could be a care worker, a nurse or even one of the family carers). Sometimes a particular subject could be introduced, such as continence or personal hygiene, so that family carers gain a better understanding of how care is now dealt with.
Among others, these two activities can make life so much better for family carers. If the family are unhappy with what’s happening in the home, then that tension can so easily rub off on the person with dementia. If the family are comfortable with the way care is being provided, they benefit, the person with dementia benefits, and the home benefits. A few cups of coffee, and some time well spent making sure that the families are supported through this painful change in their lives can make such a difference!
Pete Watson